The Last Half Only

I have a few theories about child rearing. One of them I lovingly call the "Last Half Only Theory".  Now, I know I'm not a perfect mom. *snorts and thinks "far from it"*  But I've noticed a few things over my years of being a mom. Kids seem to only listen to the last half of your sentence. For example, if I tell my kids, "Shut the door" then I'm good. They will shut the door. But if I say "Shut the door, you don't want to let mosquitoes in!"  They will leave the door open because all they heard was "let mosquitoes in".  I know, it's not a scientific theory. But hell...raising children is NOT a  science. I sometimes feel I need to start talking like Yoda from Star Wars. He would have phrased the above command as:  "Want mosquitoes in, you do not. Door shut you do".  So, here's a case in point of what I'm talking about. (note, I have capitalized portions of the following only for emphasis in this blog....it was emphasized  at the time nor was it "yelled" at Liam)

The other day, I caught my toddler, Liam, picking his nose. It's a normal thing for kids, even kids older than he is, to do this, so I didn't freak out. But I did realize there was a chance to nip this in the bud with just the right kind of parenting. *again, I snort at this...like I would know the "right kind of parenting" if it hit me in the head!*  So back to Liam...I of course stopped him, helped him wipe his nose with a tissue, then proceeded to give him the "Why You Don't Pick Your Nose" lecture.  So I go though the litany of reasons why NOT to pick your nose, like "it's unsanitary and can spread germs" or "it's just plain gross", and the ever important, but often overlooked "you can actually make your nose bleed, which might lead to infection" (I find this one gets trumped by the "it's just plain gross" argument nearly every time.). I end it up with an emphatic, "So don't DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE.  After I am finished, I leave the room, to go throw in a load of laundry. My oldest two daughters, Maggie and Nora Kate were in the room, and of course, they had plenty to say on the subject. (I know...go ahead, roll your eyes now.) What they don't realize is that I can hear them from the other room...

Nora Kate begins by pointing out that it's not JUST picking your nose that's gross. She says, "There is indeed something even more disgusting than picking your nose."  At this point, she gets right down in little Liam's face and says in a low, dramatic voice:  "It's picking your nose AND eating it!" After she pauses for  dramatic effect, she  goes on to say, "Yes...I know it's so darn convenient, being that your nose is always on your face, and your finger is always on your hand. Why some might think that's why God put your nose so close to your mouth for the very reason that you could pick your nose and then eat what you dug outta there. You know...kind of like a big pantry for your face. Some might think it is even a biological imperative to pick you nose...But it's not. So little guy...don't EAT YOUR BUGGERS!"  By this time, I have come back in the kitchen and am watching surreptitiously from the kitchen, suppressing my laughter.  Liam is held in Nora Kate's spell...and he is just taking all this in like the little sponge a toddler is.

Then it's Maggie's turn. She has to add to what Nora Kate has just put out there, so she says, "You know...even little starving children wouldn't eat their buggers. And those little kids in Haiti mom told you about...they are STARVING(she uses big jazzy hands for emphasis here), like really starving (she sucks in her cheeks at this point),  and they don't even eat their buggers. You can't possibly be hungrier than they are? You can't be so hungry that you'd eat your buggers, can you?" And little Liam, looks on, wide eyed, and blinking. So she finishes with a resounding, "So Liam...don't EAT YOUR BUGGERS, okay?"

Little Liam nods and goes back to the show he was watching on TV, and mindlessly begins to mine his nose again, and then proceeds to EAT THE BUGGER HE FINDS!. When I stop him, and ask him, "Liam...What did we just tell you? Didn't you understand what we said?" He looks up at me with a bit of a confused look and says, "Yes, mommy. You, said PICK YOUR NOSE, and  Nori Kate and Mags all said "EAT YOUR BUGGERS".

I give up. It's time for the Grey Goose.