Kids just say and do the darnedest things....
I was driving with my kids the other night...the night after Miley Cyrus had her unofficial audition for "Club Chubby's" newest "stand up" lap dancer on live television the other night, when my straight laced, devout Catholic mother calls me and says, "so I heard a new word on one of the a.m. news talk shows. What does twerking mean? " My older kids, who, incidentally did not, and most definitely were not allowed to watch the MTV Video Music Awards, all bust out laughing. Apparently, even though I send them to Catholic school, that doesn't mean all the parents there share concerns about the over-sexualization of our children that I do. So of course, my middle school aged kids hear all about it. And then some, judging from the giggles and tittering going about the SUV. And of course, I'm on speaker phone. *sighs* So upon hearing all of the giggles about the car, my mom then wants to know what's so funny, and I'm stuck there, in traffic, with 7 children in the car with nothing but a whole lotta "ums" and an eventual "no...you don't, and I'll call you later, but seriously....when I do, do we really have to discuss it? " coming out of my puss.
So then my mom goes on further. Seiously...I love the woman, but she could never leave well enough alone. She goes on and mentions something about how and how she's pretty sure Robin Thicke's from Canada. Why on earth this is relevant, I have no idea. I think she was trying to change the subject. Or maybe she was just surprised that a Canadian would do something that must be naughty, judging from the snickering from my end, on live television. Like Canadians can't be just as bad as the rest of us? Maybe it's all that snow...you can't be too naughty all bundled up in a parka, right? But after my mom spills the beans about Canada's newest favorite son, my son Fin perks up and says, "sweet!! I can use him for my project sbout Canada. We have to give examples of famous people from our assigned country". I look at Fin, and give him the "ok" sign just to shut him up for a few minutes so I can say goodbye to my mom, promising to call her later, of course. After my mom hangs up, I tell young Finbar that "it might be better to look at some other famous Canadians, like Wayne Gretzky, for instance, because he had some mad skills, true, Fin?" To which my 15 year old, Nora Kate, who's riding shotgun, leans over and in a low voice says, so only I can hear (or so I think) fills me in on the situation.Counting on her fingers, she enumerates for me, "Well, you know mom...to get, #1) twerked by the darling of the Disney Channel on live TV, #2) in front of millions of viewers, and #3) with her dad and your wife in the audience not only watching, but cheering you on.... I'm thinking that takes some mad skills too." She of course gets the stink eye from me over this, but I know if I begin to discuss it, it will only get worse than it already is.
My oldest son (13), Sean apparently has overheard her elucidating some of Mr. Thicke's "mad skills", leans forward from the middle seat of the Suburban and says "yeah..but can that Robin Thicke guy hit a 30 ft slapper planting the biscuit between the pipes through the crease monkey's five hole?" To which Nora Kate turn around, saying "pervert!!!", and smacked him in the side of the head. With all the sisterly love she could muster, of course.
At this point, I had to pull the SUV over I was laughing so hard. Of course I knew that all Sean was saying was that Robin Thicke being twerked on live TV wasn't anything to compare to Wayne Gretzky's mad skills at putting the puck in the net from 30ft out, right between the goalies legs. Thank God I pay attention during hockey games. So after I made Nora Kate apologize for hitting her brother, and then explained to her what he said was actually innocent sports banter, we had to discuss the whole "twerking" incident once we got home. And you know....I kind of resent the fact that I had to "go there", you know. I purposely DO NOT expose my children to such things. But thanks to network morning news shows and other parents who do not limit the programming their children watch, I ended up not only having to explain to my children that twerking was something that "nice girls do not do". The point I didn't share with them was that twerking is okay, as long as they are married and their husband promises to buy them jewelry, furniture, re-do the kitchen and/or the bathroom, or take them to the a bowl game this football season....oh, yeah, and then only and only then WITH their husband, or else she is no longer a "nice girl". But then I also had to explain to my mom that it is "like the stork and the cabbage patch and where my brothers and I like to believe we came from...In other words, I just don't want to talk about it, and for the love of all that is holy, can we just leave it at that?"
So yeah...I resent having to explain overtly sexual behavior that has become part of pop culture not only to my children....but to my mother as well. And I swear if my mother-in-law calls me about this, I'm going to completely lose it....or maybe I'll just hand the phone to her son.
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